the dog has an onion 10:34

The dog has found an onion from somewhere.
He's walking around with it in his mouth, refusing to give it up.
His eyes are watering and he keeps coughing, but he keeps his distance from me with his oniony treasure.

I've asked him about the onion and why it's so important to him, but he is not forthcoming with his allium based plans.

I hope he's not building an onion gun.

Moggy Manure Mishap 16:34

Listen to me, you feculent feline fiends.


Should I EVER have the unfortunate luck to immerse any unclothed part of my body in your bum dirt EVER again, I'm coming looking for you and being dipped in defecation will be the least of your worries.

Capiche?

Standard silverware sorting sorrows 13:05

It's knife, fork, spoon isn't it? isn't it?
Left to right - Knife. Fork. Spoon.
I just want to know that i have your agreement here.

Further to my brush with the cutlery ninja (spoonless-in-spoon-filled-world), I find myself yet again in a rage over eating implements.

It seems that due to some bizarre twist of reality that someone at my place of work doesn't agree with the standard order of the universe and refuses to conform.

Upon opening the cutlery drawer at my place of work the other day I was not only surprised to find some cutlery actually in there (and not festering within the realms of the interior of the dishwasher) but I was confused, confounded and consternated by the vision before me.  The forks were on the left.  The knives were in the middle.  The spoons were in their normal place on the right hand side of the plastic retaining container (good old trustworthy spoons).

Furiously, I slammed the drawer closed, alerting all and sundry to my displeasure in this sorting aberration.
And that's when it all became clear.

There was a label on the drawer.  A small plastic label.

The label showed a fork, a knife and a spoon in that order.

You win label, you win.

How to Calculate 'Gas Mark' 12:20

In general, the conversions between a Gas Mark temperature (TG) and a Fahrenheit temperature (TF) are given by


and


where kf = 275 °F.

I mean, seriously  - WTF?  WTF?  Who dreamed that one up?

Optician 10:07

So I'm sitting in the optician's chair in the dark.

We've gone through the whole blowing air in my eyes and looking at the hot air balloon rigmarole and now she's turned the light off and is bending down in front of me shining lights in my eyes.

She stands up and informs me that the next part of the test will involve her getting very near to me and not to worry.

I start to worry.

She leans in with the speed of lunging emu and slowly walks around me. She's so close I can smell her skin.

"DON'T LICK THE OPTICIAN!" My brain screams.

"I wasn't even thinking of licking the optician!" I tell it.

"You were." It replies accusingly.

There is a short pause while I try to remember if I was thinking of licking the optician.  I can find no evidence of me ever wanting to put my tongue anywhere near the lady who is still peering into my left pupil.

"Look," I think, "there is no evidence that I was ever thinking of licking this optician"

I perceptibly nod towards her in order to point out to my own brain which optician I'm currently referring to.

"I believe that it was probably you that was thinking about licking the optician."

There is no reply.  I smile to myself knowing that I'm right and in the clear.

The optician has stood up and is looking concerned as I've just nodded towards her and I'm now smiling like a chimpanzee at her left breast.

I think about explaining what happened.

My brain sniggers quietly to itself.

Mocking Elevator Control 13:52

I don't trust this fella.
Who would?
"Pressy, pressy. Button, button..."

confusion 13:49

So a man is whistling in the kitchen as I eat my sandwich and read my book.
I see him most dinner times and occasionally we nod at each other in recognition of each other's presence.

He fills his glass up from the water cooling machine and turns to leave.

As he exits the kitchen, a hand appears from the side of the exit archway and pinches the man's arse. The hand is swiftly followed by the body and legs and balding head of another man.

The pincher turns to face me, grins manically and, holding the twisted smile in a sinister way,  rapidly follows his exiting prey down the corridor.

How is one supposed to react to a situation like that?
Seriously, what is the normal reaction?


I sit there a while, musing over what just occurred in front of me, trying to determine if the disquieting expression of the tushy torturer meant that I should be impressed by his jolly jape and join him in his bum hunt, or if it threatened that he was coming back for me once finished with his current mission.

Deciding that the risk of the latter being too great, I vacate the kitchen and repair to a safer, more highly populated office.

spoonless in a spoon filled world 15:02

Some woman just stole my spoon.

So I'm in the kitchen at work and I've just opened my tin of beans (baked) and poured them into my bowl.

As I open the cutlery drawer I hear an, "excuse me" from behind. I turn around to face the owner of the voice, unfortunately turning the wrong way - she darts to the right of me and whips the only spoon remaining from the kitchen cutlery container.

Me, being a polite lad, smile sweetly at her after I finally manage to point my field of vision in her general direction and let the spoon ninja walk away with her stainless steel swag - unbeknownst to me at this point.

So, happily smiling to myself I turn around to face an empty spoon compartment.
This is when the panic hits.

I mean one could, at a push, eat beans with a fork but this would result in a terrible bean to sauce ratio, causing dry bean mouth and a ridiculous amount of sauce waste that could not in any reasonable way be dealt with by bread moppage. The other alternative would be (if one automatically rejects the knife as a absurd bean recovery utensil) is to use a teaspoon. Imagine eating beans with a teaspoon. Now try and imagine something more ridiculous.

I'm just hoping the day will improve because I'm not sure it could get any worse.

I Eat the Sun 10:33

"I also eat the sun," Hatoyama said on the program, looking up with her eyes closed, raising her arms high as if she was tearing pieces off an imaginary sun. "Like this, hum, hum, hum. It gives me enormous energy."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32659678/ns/world_news-asiapacific/

why so many? 00:15

WHY???  WHY?????

"good grief" 23:59

Things that are wrong with the day 10:59

1. My banana got burst in my bag on the way to work.
2. Its TOO hot in the office. It's not just me is it? I mean other people must sit in their office and think, "maaaan... its like TOO hot in here".
3. The title of this blog is too big, apparently